'Shiny Hundred Club Pele?! I'll buy him off you for £50'

A phenomenon has been sweeping my close inner circle of men. An obsession best kept closely guarded . Mayhem has been unleashed on the men of Britain in the form of a schoolboy card collecting game. It started with my boyfriend. He is not yet old enough for me to refer to him as a ‘man’, as he has neither a beard nor a mortgage I still would regard him a boy. But he is a boy who should have grown out of collecting Match Attax cards. Or Panini sticker books.

Pandemonium ensued upon the arrival of ‘Man of the Match Maradona’, pure euphoria! However this was short lived following the heartache resulting from the loss of ‘shiny Ronaldo’. Accusations of theft flew around as – ‘that is worth £7 all on its own!’ The most hilarious facet of this underground movement is the acquiring of said cards. The male in question has two equally heinous options. One: buy a children’s magazine in which the cards are included. Two: Undergo a covert mission of an over the counter purchase. Match Attax cards are such a liability they must be kept behind the counter with the fags, booze and scratch cards. The man in question must approach the counter and ignore the pre- mentioned vices and request the Match Attax cards by name. I only hope ‘Shiny Rooney’ is worth the squirm. A man who must remain anonymous, recently asked if I would pick him some up on my supermarket travels to avoid this humiliating ordeal.

Considering the efforts required to obtain such cards they must really love them.

Even my father is in on the act. Bulk buying boxes of shiny packs of 7 individual cards. It seems they are all doing it yet none are willing to talk about it. So if they are all off frantically searching for ‘Man of the Match Bobby Moore’, why are they insisting on the shroud of secrecy? ‘Swaps’ are one undesirable consequence of this cagey approach to collecting. If they cannot speak of their mania they cannot swap! Ultimately leading to a stack of unwanted ‘Emille Heskeys’. However as it happens, my boyfriend is lacking a ‘Heskey ‘– any takers? Even Radio One’s Tom Deacon has spoken about being a collector. Actually, he is currently urging his listeners to send in their swaps – greedy man. He poses his collecting as tongue in cheek irony – however all his fellow men know the truth – he is exploiting the airwaves in hopes of a ‘Man of the Match Messi’. And he will probably end up with one considering his show has about a trillion listeners. However cut the crap Deacon – be honest in your convictions and stop using listeners to avoid the kiosk attendants pitying eye.

I hope the men of Britain can learn from Tom. So thereby, I am calling for a facebook confession. If you like children’s football cards why can’t you Like children’s football cards? Imagine the benefits and prime swaps opportunities.